The TriadCity Adventurer

Hizzonor the Mayor of the NorthEast Third has received under the table contributions from "lobbyists" seeking delay of subway construction in NorthEast.

"He accepted the 'donation' and promised to use his office to delay the project," says our unattributed source. "this is why the NorthWest section is being completed first."

Hizzonor's Press Secretary, Mr. Dewley Elekted, characterized the allegation as "Completely, totally, 110%, really really false, cross my heart and hope to die, honestly." He went on to say that the Mayor fully expects to win an unprecedented ninth term on the basis of his long record of accomplishments,

including trebling the cell-count of the Third's correctional facilities; quadrupling the number of Blackshirts on Third payrolls; trimming bureaucracy; eliminating unnecessary social programs; and clearing many of the wealthier streets of the most obviously indigent. "Our commitment to educate the male children of every Citizen remains absolute. The Mayor hopes the Senate will approve his aggressive tax-reduction package. The Mayor fully appreciates what the subway system means to the City and the NorthEast Third."

Hizzonor is not available for comment. According to his spokesperson, Hizzonor is currently with his assistant Miss Morgan on a fact-finding trip to Honolulu.